Tuesday, October 14, 2008

A Brief History of the Twenty-first Century

excerpts from Chuck Klosterman's article in Esquire. this is good stuff:

NOV. 4, 2008: John McCain takes the U.S. presidency with 277 electoral votes, winning Ohio and Florida by less than 1 percent of the vote. American policy on Iraq does not change.

DEC. 31, 2014: Billed as "the floating Dubai," the inaugural space hotel opens its doors. Financed by Google, the cost is $2 million per room, per evening. Kanye West performs in the ballroom on opening night.

AUG. 14, 2021: The final performance by the Rolling Stones in Wembley Stadium. Ticket prices start at $18,200, ultimately netting the band $1 billion.

JUNE 14, 2024: Chinese researchers find a cure for AIDS.

AUG. 13, 2025: A surprising announcement comes from Johns Hopkins University: As it turns out, smoking cigarettes is kind of good for you.

NOV. 7, 2028: Tom Brady (R-Michigan) defeats Will Smith (D-California) in the race for the Oval Office.

MAY 8, 2030: A deathbed confession by George W. Bush reveals that JFK was, in fact, assassinated by the CIA.

JUNE 15, 2032: A virtual-reality amusement park in Berlin allows patrons to momentarily experience the sensation of death. Controversy explodes when studies indicate that almost 10 percent of those who participate in the simulation commit suicide within one year.

APRIL 8, 2037: Citing flawed financial management and waning public interest, Major League Baseball folds. The top 12 percent of U.S. players join clubs in the Dominican Republic.

APRIL 3, 2042: Scientists declare that repairs to the ozone layer are a complete success. Polar bears, now extinct in the wild, are reintroduced to their natural habitat.

JUNE 22, 2046: At the World Games in Helsinki, U.S. sprinter Zeb Lovelace runs the 100 meters in an astounding 8.99 seconds. His record is later disqualified when testing proves that Lovelace had been injecting himself with self-duplicating DNA taken from the bone marrow of cheetahs.

DEC. 23, 2065: The moon population reaches one million. Its primary industries are mining and tourism.

FEB. 20, 2066: Super Bowl C: Dallas defeats Denver 31-17. The NFL, for whatever reason, is pretty much the same as it always was.

FEB. 27, 2067: A Melbourne Zoo gorilla named Maureen takes a standard IQ test and scores a 92. The Peter Singer Society, an Australian animal-rights group, immediately pushes for legislation that would grant citizenship to domesticated creatures.

JUNE 5, 2070: Wolves in Canada begin hunting humans at an alarming rate. Shark attacks increase 40 percent. Jungle animals begin successfully infiltrating urban areas; a panther kills at least nine people in downtown Dallas. "I don't know why the animals are getting smarter," says zoologist Eli Sperle-Cho, "but it's definitely happening."

APRIL 5, 2072: Animals are banned from the moon. House cats now kill more people than heart disease.

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